prairie fire that wanders about

i've written of fires before; i'll write of them again.

today there were four savannah fires burning within a 1/2 mile radius of bina hill. you know the fires are around because of the smell: you can smell the sweet smoke of burning foliage before you can see the flames. then the ash gets carried in on the wind. finally, wondering if the fire will engulf your surroundings, you get up and take a look around for the flames.

i watched some birds fly around the fire, presumably abandoning their homes. i liked watching that. i mean, i didn't like the fact that they were suffering or losing their homes, but i liked feeling the energy behind the panic. one of the most amazing experiences i've ever had was a few years ago, at the canadian finals rodeo, when one of the bullriders was knocked unconscious. his hand was still strapped to the bull, and his almost-lifeless body was flung around mercilessly for about 10 seconds. the energy in the coliseum (/skyreach/rexall place) was incredible. thousands of people were just completely panicked and terrified. women were screaming and crying. everyone was totally shocked. every second it was happening, i was praying for him (he ended up being in a coma for a few weeks, and then recovered), but also trying to stay acutely aware of the intense energy in the building. so. i digress. but the point is that i like feeling intense energies sometimes, and the fire brought out a panicked energy in the animals who were fleeing it. kay?

i like fires a lot. there's this sufjan stevens song called "prairie fire that wanders about." i don't really like the song, but i like the title; i identify with it. i sometimes feel like i have the same energy as fires: really intense energy that becomes passion if it's channelled well, and depression/anger if it's not. i also sometimes feel like i have this overwhelming destructive energy. i've always thought of it as a negative thing. but then, this summer, while i was at ghost river's training camp, our coordinator julian asked me if i knew what my name means. i said, yeah, it's a scottish dance. he said, yeah, but there's a more ancient form of the name. kali (long "a," long "i") is apparently a hindu goddess of transformation, destruction, and rebirth. i liked hearing that. i know that the whole thing about Jesus includes transformation, destruction, and rebirth, but i feel like i've been taught to mostly focus on the rebirth part. i like valuing destruction's place. i like how fires seem so destructive, how they transform an entire landscape, but also how they create new life. always on my way up north to sucker creek/grouard, i loved driving past the big forests near slave lake that had been ravaged by fires. their small new trees and little marshes seemed so much healthier than the ones that hadn't been touched by fires relatively recently.

i also like sufjan's title for the "wandering" part (and, of course, the "prairie" part). i feel like a wanderer. i stole a line from the hymn "come, thou fount of every blessing" - "prone to wander" - and sewed it on a t-shirt for myself a few years ago. i like wandering. physical wandering, mental wandering, and to a lesser extent, spiritual wandering. i've always had a hard time making goals for myself. i like making plans, but i don't like making goals. and i don't mind when my plans fall through or change. wandering feels like a solitary exercise. i like solitary exercises. and although i like wandering, i like coming home more.